Why the transition feels like the downfall of your relationship

‘It sometimes seems like we are in an endless roller coaster,’ Mieke said recently during a session. ‘I get angry faster, say things that I don’t mean … But the harder I try to shake Tom awake, the deeper he crawls into his shell. It feels like I’m losing him.’
She paused for a moment and added: ‘And sometimes, after weeks of pushing and crying, I just give up. Then we live next to each other as if we are only roommates.’
Tom sighed and said, ‘Whatever I say or do, it’s never right. I’m just making it worse.’

Being stuck in an endless roller coaster

Many couples recognize themselves in the pursuer and avoider dynamics (Pursuer-WithDrawer).


The pursuer Goes to talk, pull or even scream louder in an attempt to bridge the gap and connect. It often sounds like reproaches or angry outbursts, but under the surface is usually something very soft: a desperate call for reassurance – ‘Am I still important to you?’
The avoider Responds by keeping quiet or emotionally shielding, usually for fear of making the situation worse. This partner often thinks: ‘Whatever I say or do, it’s always wrong, so I’m just silent, or’ nod yes ‘, then I keep the relationship stable.’ 

In which of the roles do you recognize yourself the most?
Both the pursuer and the avoider each want to protect the relationship in their own way. But by the law of action-reaction they are just opposing each other!
The more the pursuer pushes, the more the avoider closes, so that there is even stronger and louder protests, and the avoider crawls further into his shell … and so you get further and further apart. During the (peri-)menopause, this destructive dynamic often becomes even more intense and intense.

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Hormones make emotions rougher and more difficult

Research of Neuroscientist Lisa Mosconi (Author of The Menopause Brain) shows that estrogen plays a key role in the female brain. It supports communication between brain areas that regulate emotions, read social signals and dampen stress. Because estrogen drops in the (peri-)menopause, the wiring of the brain literally changes:
-Emotions feel faster, fiercer and unfiltered.
-The nervous system shoots more easily in fight, flight or freeze and is more difficult to relax.
-Social signals such as facial expressions or tone are picked up more sensitively and sometimes more negatively interpreted.
-Progesterone, which has a pronounced calming effect, also decreases, which means that the nervous system has fewer ‘rest points’. Many women recognize this:
‘I used to be able to swallow things, but now I explode or cry before I know it.’

How Hormones Strengthen the Pursuer-Avoid-Dynamics

In most couples, the (peri-)menopausal woman is the pursuer: hormonal changes make her vulnerability and fear of rejection stronger, so that she protests harder against loss of connection.

But the opposite also happens: some women respond with a stronger withdrawal.
Hormonal fluctuations causes the nervous system to become over-stimulated more quickly.
To protect themselves, they avoid conversations or shut themselves down emotionally.
or the menopausal woman or her partner in behavior Now more chasing or retreating, the pattern becomes more intense:
The attachment pains ‘Do you want to stay with me?’, ‘Can I still matter?’ Get hidden behind harsh words, criticism, or complete silence.
The partner does not hear the underlying call for proximity and responds to the disturbing behavior instead of the need.
In this way both moves become more extreme: the pursuer pushes harder, the avoider withdraws further. The Attachment needs Both remain under water, while misunderstandings and defensive behavior increase the distance.

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From lovers to housemates

Often the (peri) menopausal pursuer is exhausted and even the energy to fight for the relationship disappears. Less arguing, but no longer really talks. It feels like you are living parallel lives:
No more fierce conflicts, but no real proximity either.
Living together feels more like co-tenants than partners.
The same pain remains under the silence: ‘I can’t reach you anymore, I’ve lost you.’

Hormones as a relational challenge

In short, the hormonal storm specific to the (peri-)menopause is not an individual problem for women. It influences how both partners see, hear and understand each other. Even without realizing it, the signals you send to each other change and the way you respond to them.

It is not a matter of ‘she has to go through it’ or ‘he has to work harder’. This is something that you go through together and that you can get stronger together.

Together by the storm

This phase can feel like the end of the relationship, but often it is a breakthrough moment. If you understand that the fierce quarrels or icy silence are not a sign of failure, but loud attachment signals, which are reinforced by hormonal changes, there is room to find each other again.
In our guidance we help couples to withstand this storm, to feel deeper together what is hidden under the arguments and silences, and to find each other again. For example, a period that first feels like a crisis can be the start of more honesty, depth and connection than ever before.

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This article is inspired by work by, among others, Sue Johnson (Love Sense, Hold me tight), Emily Nagoski (Come together), Peggy Kleinplatz (Magnificent sex) and Lisa Mosconi (The Menopause Brain), translated to our own practice with long-term relationships.