The transition: when old patterns no longer work
When she no longer recognizes herself
She looks at him, determined.
‘There is a storm going on in me. Not only in my body, but also in my head and heart.
Everything changes. My hormones, my energy, my emotions … and also my sexuality. It’s like I can’t numb myself as I used to. As if I can no longer please. Not even in bed when my body doesn’t feel like it.
It feels like a wake-up call. A kind of inner alarm that says:
Time to let go of old pains. Time to take off the old masks. Time to remember who I really am and finally live there.‘
Old patterns that crumble
The transition is more than hot flashes and sleepless nights. It is a period in which hormonal shifts are exposed, which remained below the surface for years. Old patterns suddenly no longer stand, the patterns with which a woman kept herself up, but also the patterns in the relationship that remained silent. That can feel raw and disruptive, but that is precisely where the chance of something new lies.
Because what happens in the transition seems at first sight a pure inner process. But in our practice as relationship therapists we see again and again: this phase never takes place in a vacuum. Partners sympathize with the movements, often before they get words.
Do you want to learn together with your partner how to understand menopause not only as an individual but also as a relational process? Read here how relationship therapy can support you
The hormonal landslide
The transition is anything but a gentle time. It initially feels like downfall; A time of chaos in body and mind.
It is a raw, physical reality that penetrates deeply into daily functioning – and therefore also in the way a woman relates to her partner.
Estrogen and progesterone: the built-in mood regulators
Estrogen and progesterone are age-old buffers that help women stay afloat.
- Estrogen is a natural antidepressant. It lifts the mood, makes it milder and more optimistic, and helps regulate stress. Thanks to estrogen, it is often possible to remain social and resilient: smiling, worrying, pleasing, even if you are empty inside.
- Progesterone is the natural tranquilizer. It soothes the nervous system, promotes sleep, soothes anxiety and tempers irritability.
During the (peri-)menopause, these protective substances disappear with fits. And so the mechanisms that helped for years to tolerate, to put things into perspective, to appease yourself.
Relational consequence: What you could mask in the past feels too raw to put away. And partners often notice that change first.
Old pain bubbles up
What in the past just managed to get through with a smile or a night of sleep now breaks through inexorably. That can be about fatigue or irritation, but just as well about old pain.
Trauma researchers have been pointing out that for years the body keeps track of (‘The body keeps the score’). Memories that were once too heavy to fully process remain stored in the nervous system and later find a way out. During the transition, the hormonal blanket that helped for years to numb or pee disappears. What was suppressed can now be felt in full force. The body refuses to remain silent for longer.
And this almost always happens in a relationship. Partners are pre-eminently those who trigger these old layers: not because they are doing something wrong, but because proximity automatically touches the most vulnerable places. The woman feels that intense, but at the same time her partner often also triggers old fears and pain points.
Relational consequence: both are almost obliged to look deeper into their own inner world. If they don’t, the relationship will come under pressure. But when they do accept that invitation, we see something else happening in our practice: the transition becomes a gateway to joint healing. Old wounds get recognition, partners grow in empathy, and the relationship makes a leap to a higher level of connectedness.
Do you experience that the transition evokes old injuries between you? We Guiding couples in this process
Existential crisis or new clarity?
Many women experience this as a loss: the old familiar ‘I’ no longer works.
The woman who was always strong, caring and accommodating no longer recognizes herself.
But at the same time a new clarity can arise in that chaos. This is used in traditions such as traditional Chinese medicineThe second springmentioned.
- Who am I when I no longer force myself?
- What do I really want if I don’t get rid of myself anymore?
- What happens when I finally listen to my body?
These are existential questions that bubble up because old coping mechanisms are biologically undermined. And let’s be honest: this phase often feels like a gray winter with bare branches before the actual 2nd spring – the transformation – shows itself in its blossoms.
Relational consequence: Partners often feel that their loved one is ‘no longer the same’ and that can be threatening and hopeful at the same time. It is as if they are losing someone, while someone is actually born news.
To give language to the transformation
Women search words for this experience.
The language of inner transformation and / or spiritual self-development often provides guidance:
- Inconveniences are framed into signals from the soul.
- The transition becomes a wake-up call: a call to truth and authenticity.
This way of speaking is healing and powerful for many women. It offers meaning and direction.
However, this language can also be alienated. For the woman it feels like liberation, sometimes for the partner as confusion.
Phrases that express a search for her often land with him as a judgment:
- She says: ‘I want to live in truth.’
He hears: ‘I disapprove of you, you are unreal.’ - She says: ‘My body doesn’t want sex anymore to please you.’
He hears: ‘Our sex was below all levels for years.’ - She says: ‘I want to be authentic and break my patterns.’
He hears: ‘Apparently you are not aware enough, you get stuck.’
That is exactly what the next blog will elaborate on.
Do you recognize yourself in this language of transformation and are you looking for tools to translate it into your relationship? Contact us for an exploratory meeting
💡 Fact: Does hormone therapy (BHST) block your transformation?
In spiritual and holistic circles you sometimes hear that any hormone therapy, including the body’s own form (BHST / bio identical hormone substitution) would block the natural transformation of the transition. As if you will stay young with (B) HRT for eternity, continue to lead an unreal life or refuse to ‘be wiser’.
But scientifically and in practice we see that this is not correct.
Hormones such as estrogen and progesterone were inherently helpful for years: they supported women to regulate stress, adjust emotions and stay connected. When they take a dive in the transition, those buffers suddenly fall away and old pains and injuries come up raw. That can be healing, but if the complaints are too overwhelming, introspection is hardly possible.
BHST does not serve to avoid the transformation, but rather to wear it. Restoring some of the natural buffers creates Breathing room To consciously experience the inner shifts. No anesthesia, but support. No blockade, but a solid foundation that – together with a healthy lifestyle – the mental rebirth is not only more bearable, but also richer and deeper makes.
In our practice we see how that breathing space is crucial, also for couples. Because only when working distance arises to the physical and psychological complaints does it arise to stay connected and grow together.
The transition as a make or break of your marriage?
The transition is therefore not only a physical change, but also an existential wake-up call. She confronts women with questions that can no longer be pushed away. In addition, old traumas or unprocessed emotions can become visible again, often raw, sometimes confusing, but at the same time as a chance of healing.
And although that feels very personal, it always has a relational dimension. Because whoever changes also changes the way she is present with her partner.
In the next blog I show what this does in relationships, how partners often hear the menopausal transformation language differently, and how you can translate that gap into attachment language.
Wondering how we get you Guiding from couple to couple?
This article is inspired by work by, among others, Sue Johnson (Love Sense, Hold me tight), Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps The Score), Lisa Mosconi (The Menopause Brain), Phyllis J. Bronson & amp; Rebecca Bronson (Moods, Emotions & amp; AGING), translated to our own practice with long-term relationships.