The 3 biggest misunderstandings about sex and menopause

And how they undermine your relationship

Tine and David have settled together in our therapy sofa. At first glance, they seem to be a successful couple: sporty, smiley early fifties, healthy and prosperous, together for almost thirty years. But it soon becomes apparent that their sex life is becoming increasingly lost and Tine is dropping out more and more.
Their conversation sounds like a debate: he is looking for confirmation, she pushes him away. The atmosphere is loaded, but also sad. They already have tried everything: New positions, role plays, weekends away. But nothing helped. On the contrary: Tine feels more closed than ever and would prefer to insert a sexless period.

Sexual downtime?

‘It just doesn’t feel like something to me anymore,’ she says. ‘As if my body has stopped. And to be honest? We are no longer in their twenties.’
David braces himself. ‘You were the one who always said how important sex is. That it keeps you young, connects, makes it healthy.’
Do you recognize anything about yourself or your relationship in this? In our sessions we hear this story, or variations of it, on the assembly line.

Want to know more about how we guide couples in this transition phase? View on Existo.org.

When women enter the (peri-)menopausal, sexual harassment strikes in many duos. And in too many cases, this leads to alienation, conflicts or even a break. It doesn’t have to run like that. As a couple in this phase you can indeed do something to get a crisis into a new beginning.
But for that we first have to dismantle three persistent misunderstandings.

Myth 1: Security Kills Passion

There is a persistent and deeply rooted belief that Safety and passion exclude each other. ‘Too much safety makes sex boring,’ you hear. ‘You have to keep the tension, otherwise the fire will disappear.’
But frequent research by Peggy Kleinplatz and Emily Nagoski points in a different direction. They are just the most Emotionally safe couples who maintain a satisfactory sexual bond over the decades. Not despite that safety, but thanks!

Getting exposed emotionally

That safety makes something possible that goes much deeper than just exciting sexual adventures: Getting exposed emotionally, in addition to the only physical exposing.
Because real long-term passion does not come from hormonal peaks or wild sexual adventures, but from the courage to expose yourself, not only physically, but also emotionally
The misunderstanding may have arisen because we Confuse safety with familiarity. The latter is the autopilot: you know each other through and through, take each other for granted and are used to each other in such a way that you stop making real contact. Well, if you do indeed define safety that way, then it is without a doubt the death blow to sexual passion.

Safe adhesion is hot

But Attachment safetyWhat the studies are talking about is something completely different. Sue Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), describes this in detail in Hold me tight and Love Sense. When you know that your partner remains emotionally available – even if you feel insecure or vulnerable – then you dare to show yourself and let go. Also on a sexual level. Attachment safety is knowing that you can be vulnerable without being rejected. It encourages you to stand up for your sexual desires and dare to take risks in bed.
In short: a deep emotional bond between lovers appears to be much hotter in the long term between the sheets than superficial sexual variation. The more emotions are allowed to make love, the more sublime the sex.
Conclusion: Emotional safety does not kill a passion but keeps them alive!

Do you dare to meet emotionally again?

In our Retreats (Online Or in Southern France) Teach couples how safety is not a downer but a key to a sex life that starts to spark more over the years.

Myth 2: You have to make sense spontaneously, or it is not right

Our culture is steeped in the idea that sex ‘must’ start with a sudden wave of sense / enthusiasm. Spontaneous excitement is seen as proof that it is still good.
But … what if that sentence is not made?
Then many women and men, especially around and after the menopause, think that something is wrong with them. Or with their relationship.
‘Sex with him feels like an assignment, so there is something wrong with me. ” Or: ‘If she doesn’t spontaneously jump me, then it might not be right between us.’
These kinds of thoughts are not only painful – they are just wrong!

Responsive desire: SPontane lust is not necessary

Many women (and men!) Do not function primarily with spontaneous lust, but with Responsive desire. Their sentence does not come beforehand, but arises along the way. As Emily Nagoski says:
‘Desire Doesn’t Drive the Bus, Pleasure Does.’
It’s a bit like going to a party that you don’t feel like beforehand. You are tired, busy in your head. But you still put on your party dress and show up. And suddenly you realize that it is actually fun. That’s how responsive desire works. Your body has to land first. There must be something nice to feel. Only then do you want more. So does not come before the contact, but because of the contact.

Myth 3: You need novelty to keep the fire burning

This myth contains half a truth and therefore all the more dangerous.
Because yes, sexual connection does indeed need renewal. Couples like Tine and David try to solve it with new toys or adventures, but only get alienated.

What is really needed is a much more fundamental kind of novelty: Not only from the outside, but above all from the inside. You could call this emotional renewal: curiosity about who your partner is today.

Updates from your partner

Relationship therapist Stan Tatkin talks about updating your internal model. Over time, our brains form a fixed image of our partner, as if we already know who the other is. That image works as a kind of mental shortcut, efficient, but disastrous for intimacy and eroticism. Because you think you ‘know’ your partner, while you actually view a mental screenshot from months or years ago.
Tatkin says: ‘Your partner will no longer be who he or she is today.’
A daily ‘update’ is therefore not a luxury, but a necessity.
Successful lovers do that. They ask new questions, listen with genuine interest and are surprised by how the other person changes.

New sexual scripts

This also applies sexually. If the sex you knew no longer fits, it does not mean that you are wrong but that you can discover something new. What feels good today? What brings pleasure?
Because (peri-)menopausal women simply have new needs. Old scripts no longer work and have to be revised, in order to continue to flourish as a couple.
As Kleinplatz puts it: Many women no longer want sex, not because they have no libido, but because the sex they know from the past is no longer worthwhile.

In the next blog you can read how successful long-term lovers break through these 3 pitfalls and which concrete keys they use to keep sexual connection alive, even years after the transition.

Do you want to escape from the sexual pitfalls in which so many couples end up after the transition?

At Existo we guide couples with Somatic & amp; Sex Therapy Informed EFT – No classic talk sessions, but a profound process that takes the body, attachment and desire with it.

Online Or during a Multi-day retreat in the South of France.
👉 Find out how we work on Existo.org
Or send us A message – We like to think along with you.

This article is inspired by work by, among others. Sue Johnson (Love Sense, Hold me tight), Emily Nagoski (Come together), Peggy Kleinplatz (Magnificent sex) and Stan Tatkin (Wired for Love, we do, In each other’s care) – translated into our own practical experience with long-term relationships.