Menopause as an inner transformation, but what about your relationship?

When the transition interferes with communication

‘I can no longer hide it!’ she says in a dramatic tone. She turns to him: ‘I can no longer tolerate inanimate sex, as if my body is doing something that my heart is not with. And I can no longer bear conversations in which I do not feel your vulnerability. That feels empty and lonely.’

He shrugs and sighs.
“Maybe you just need another man. One who does sweat huts with you, conducting soul conversations, evolves into version 2.0 of you. And that’s okay, if that’s what you need now. Then you don’t have to finish me anymore I’m afraid I don’t want to be who you want me to be.

From this scene it becomes painfully clear how the message of the peri-menopausal woman does not reach her partner. Where she tries to show her vulnerability, he mainly hears disapproval. He shoots in a disguised defense, but behind his words lies fear and pain. They are opposed to each other: both with a deep desire, both with their injuries, but each caught on their own island. That is exactly where things go wrong, not because there is not enough love, but because their pain is not yet connected.

We help couples to connect pain, so that they can get closer together as partners. Curious how we do that?

When transforming language evokes relationship pain

what for the menopausal woman asawakeningfeels, may sound to the partner as rejection or disapproval.

As if she is entering a new reality in which he is no longer an invited guest.

The gap arises when women speak in a species Transformation language that may appear to the other if: ‘I’m evolving, you’re staying behind.’

That can sound spiritual (‘I want to live in truth, follow my soul and be true to my soul mission’), but also psychologically (‘I want to be authentic, heal old pain and finally step out of my old patterns’).

For the woman it feels like a necessity. To the partner it often sounds like he is inadequate or even rejected as a person.

The Meno woman searches for something that wants to be born. While her partner mourns what is disappearing. And nobody has the script.

It is precisely then that what the non-menopausal partner experiences equals as much as what the menopausal woman goes through. Not to agree. But to give both inner worlds the right to exist.

So that the conversation does not stop in case of incomprehension, defense or farewell, but can move to a new connection.

Rejected as a partner & amp; Disapproved as a person

For the partner, it often feels as if at the same time he loses his lover and falls short as a person. That is no small suffering; It touches his sense of self-worth and right to exist in the relationship.
‘She’s growing, I’m the obstacle.’
‘She talks about truth, apparently I’m not conscious enough.’
‘She no longer wants inanimate sex, our sex suddenly turns out to be below all levels.’
‘She is looking for a deeper, and I experience that I am being dismissed as underdeveloped.’

They often feel at the same time:

• No longer desired as a partner
• and not admitted to her new inner world
• Morally inadequate as a human it touches a deeper layer of self-image: not only being rejected as a partner, but also as a person being measured on a spiritual / existential yardstick and being found too light.

How to translate transformation language into attachment

The language of menopausal wisdom is often striking, healing and powerful for women and at the same time relationally confusing or even splitting between partners, if it is not translated into attachment language.

The trick is not to censor the spiritual / wise menopause language to your partner.
There is an existential undercurrent that is essential.

The trick is to decode her so that she also arrives at the other.
not as a criticism or as a break, but as a search that also Is about the connection in the relationship.

To do this, it helps to distinguish three layers:

1. what she says (inSpiritual or self-development language)
2. what she feels (underlying me feeling)
3. What she desires in the relationship (attachment desire for her partner)

We show this on the basis of concrete examples:

What she says: ‘I don’t want any inanimate sex that makes me empty.’
→ What she feels: ‘I sometimes feel dissociated during sex, as if my body is doing something that my heart is not with. That feels sad’
→ What she needs: ‘I long for you not only to see me as a available body, but as someone who also wants to feel emotionally safe during intimacy. Can we look together how that can grow back?’

What she says: ‘I want to live in truth.’
→ What she feels: ‘I’m tired of hiding or peeing myself, and I feel scared about the fact that it is less and less successful.’
→ What she needs: ‘I hope you can continue to see me even if I change. And that you remain standing next to me, even if I am still rediscovering myself.’

What she says: ‘Something is happening in me. It feels like a wake-up call.’
→ What she feels: ‘I’m confused, but something moves in me that I can’t ignore anymore.’
→ What she needs: ‘I want you to keep listening, even if you don’t understand right away. That we look together to find out how we can stay connected while I change.’

What she says: ‘I don’t want any more conversations on ego level.’
→ What she feels: ‘I often feel lonely and misunderstood in our conversations.’
→ What she needs: ‘I long for conversations in which you really hear me. Not because I want to be right, but because I feel seen through you.’

Because of these decodings, her inner quest is shared deeper. The search becomes a relational event. Her words become invitations, not disapprovals.
Attachment language does that, as the only language in which both partners can make their inner world understandable for each other.

How do you do that in concrete terms? Both the Meno woman and her partner can take major steps in this. She can bring her message of transformation in an emotionally attached way. The partner can help her to get to this level by actively listening and asking in-depth questions.

This requires practice, and many Meno couples just don’t get out well. That is very normal. Above all, do not continue to struggle in this crucial phase of life! Don’t hesitate to call in our professional help, So that you can seize every opportunity to find each other again, beyond the misunderstandings.

Why menopause also touches old wounds of your partner

Partners are pre-eminently the mirrors that trigger old wounds. Not because someone does something wrong, but because the proximity of a love partner automatically rubs against the most vulnerable places. That is why menopause not only evokes old pains in women, but often also in men.

Anyone who understands that can stop seeing each other as an obstacle. Instead, the relationship becomes a place where both learn to look deeper at themselves and at each other. In our practice we see that couples who enter into this process together often reach a higher level of connectedness.

Are you looking for tools to have this conversation with your partner without reproaches? We guide you step by step in this

Menopause as a new opportunity for your relationship

Menopause often feels like an individual storm, but it almost always rushes through the relationship. The language with which women describe their inner transformation can be healing for themselves but sound alienating to their partner.

However, when those words are translated into attachment language, removal changes into an invitation. Then the menopause does not become the demise of a relationship, but an unexpected entrance to find a deeper, fairer and more intimate connection together.

Do you want to experience what that can look like in your relationship? Contact us for an exploratory meeting