Does your sex life dry up since the transition? So you will find each other again!

Spoiler: it’s not what you think and it really works

Kor sighs deeply and looks at his partner: ‘It feels like our relationship is slowly bleed to death … I don’t want a sexless marriage, but I don’t know how to reach you.’ Kasia takes his hand and says softly: ‘I don’t want to lose you either … But my body just doesn’t do what it used to do. As if my hormones collectively went on strike, without consulting me. Sometimes I don’t recognize myself back.’
Maybe this seems too familiar to you… When you or your partner is in transition or has passed for a while, you may recognize exactly what Katia means. You love each other, but the desire that was once self-evident seems to have disappeared. As if your body is locked while your heart is still reaching out to your loved one. In the meantime, you feel pressure – or even guilt – because your partner increasingly feels rejected.
So many couples struggle with this in silence. But it doesn’t have to stay that way. There are ways to reconnect – and even fun – even when hormones seem to have completely different plans.

Tip 1: Share your pain, not your complaint

Conversations about intimacy often go wrong because they end up in reproach and defense. As soon as one finger points, the other finger will automatically point back. Before you know it, your pain bounces back and forth like playing an endless rally – but nobody scores anything with it. You lose both … and the real pain remains hidden.
For example, such a rally can sound like this:
‘You never want sex again!’
‘Yes, because you always put me under pressure!’
‘Under pressure? I just beg for a little attention!’
‘Maybe I would make more sense if you were to talk to me … before you end up on the couch in a Netflix coma.’
To avoid this, the non-blame zone is crucial. A complaint is about the other, pain is about yourself. Therefore, speak in I messages, with real feelings, no pseudo feelings that are disguised accusations.
For example: ❌ ‘I feel excluded from you.’ → Accusation✅ “I only feel when we don’t spend time together.”
❌ ‘I feel rejected because you never feel like it.’ ✅ “I feel vulnerable and insecure if my rapprochement remains unanswered.”
Such a small nuance opens the door to connection, while a complaint closes that door.

Tip 2: Redefine intimacy

Many couples get stuck in the idea that intimacy should feel like before: spontaneous, full of fire and effortless. But bodies change, certainly around or after the transition. In women, the sex hormones, estrogen and progesterone suddenly decrease from perimenopause, while testosterone decreases slowly in most men.

Sublime sex in the menopause?

However, that ‘mismatch’ does not have to mean a loss: it can be an opportunity.
Research by sexologist Peggy Kleinplatz, author of Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers, shows something surprising: the people she calls ‘magnificent lovers’ (those who experience the best, deepest sex) are rarely young in their twenties with peaking hormones. That kind of ‘hot sex’ can be wonderful, but sublime sex often only arises later in life. Especially when couples go through physical changes, let go of old scripts and discover a new, playful way of making out. Then sex becomes not only hot, but also richer, deeper and much more meaningful than most people in their twenties ever experienced.
Kor recently said it nicely: “I used to think: no spontaneous, ‘hot’ sex means no more passion between us. Now I discover that we touch each other in a way that I never expected – to be honest, it is more intimate than ever. ”

Sensual dates

We often see this happen in our practice. During our Sensual dates (Playful exercises that we use as relationship therapists to let couples discover touch, pleasure and desire again without performance pressure) We notice that couples often for the first time in a long time can really enjoy each other’s proximity.
It sometimes starts with something simple: showering and soaping together, a soft massage by candlelight while giggling around tickling places, or blindfolding each other and touching with your hands … no goal, just curiosity.
Desire often creeps in unexpectedly. There is laughter, whispered, stoop … and often the evening does not end in ‘old sex’, but in something more intimate, more playful and oftenHOTTERthan ever.
Precisely because the body no longer cooperates as before, couples are invited to go one level higher; One where real connection, softness and pleasure are central.

Tip 3: Understand hormones and the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire

Many couples get frustrated because their desire is not synchronized, something that becomes even clearer after the transition.
In men, the relatively high amount of testosterone ensures that desire often arises quickly and spontaneously. For women, the testosterone level is always much lower: twenty times less than in men! Moreover, it decreases slowly over the years. During the transition there is a sharp decrease in estrogen on top. That hormone plays a major role in blood flow, sensitivity and natural moisture, making it easier for the body to get excited.

Differences in libido?

Together, this means that the difference in hormones between partners at a later age becomes even greater. For many women, that simply means that desire no longer stimulates by itself, but only starts later – usually after heat, touch and emotional safety
BHRT (bio-/body-identical hormonal support) can be a game changer for many women: it relieves physical complaints, boosts long-term health and can reduce desire and energy. At the same time, we see that even with hormonal support, the most fulfilling sexuality arises when couples dare to grow beyond old scripts. Kleinplatz discovered that couples who reshape their intimacy, with more playfulness and more emotional proximity, often experience richer sexuality than ever before.
Spontaneous desire often feels like someone is throwing gasoline on a fire: one look or thought and it flares up right away.
 Responsive desire On the other hand, it is more like a campfire: with falling estrogen levels and less spontaneous hormonal triggers, it takes longer for the fire to flare up. It needs heat, proximity and touch to really burn.

	Spontaneous desire	Responsive desire
Hormones	High testosterone levels	Decreasing estrogen and slow decreasing testosterone levels
how it starts	Comes up quickly with minimal incentives (look, fantasy)	starts after touch or emotional proximity
Pace	Fast and direct	slower, builds up gradually
Experience	‘I see you and feel it immediately’	‘I only feel desire when I am already held’

Finally,
Intimacy and desire do not have to disappear with the transition. With more understanding of your body, better conversations and new ways to touch each other, your sex life can become richer and more meaningful than ever.
Sometimes it is possible to take new steps together. And sometimes it is nice to get some help with that. It’s precise Our specialty To guide couples in this phase of life to more connectedness and pleasure, in a way that does not temporarily patch up, but works permanently.
👉 Curious how we do that? Find out more about our Relationship retreats Or plan a free introductory meeting To see what would work for you together.

This article is inspired by work by, among others. Sue Johnson (Love Sense, Hold me tight), Emily Nagoski (Come together), Peggy Kleinplatz (Magnificent sex) and Stan Tatkin (Wired for Love, we do, In each other’s care) – translated into our own practical experience with long-term relationships.