💔 Love in difficult times
Most of us feel a degree of insecurity, anxiety or low mood in times when the world seems to be spinning out of control. There’s more uncertainty, illness, loss and isolation than any one person can carry alone. Our emotional reservoir is constantly overflowing — and the resulting irritability slowly seeps into our shared life as a couple.
That’s why so many couples find themselves in trouble: either constantly at each other’s throats, distancing themselves from one another, or oscillating between the two.
We see many couples buckling under the pressure and falling more deeply than ever into toxic patterns — or finding that long-standing tensions are now being forced to the surface. There’s nothing abnormal about this: in times like these, it’s exactly what you’d expect.
But it doesn’t have to go this way.
There are constructive ways to stay connected in times of crisis. We just need to let go of a few unhelpful habits and take a different approach.
A crisis doesn’t have to drive us apart. On the contrary — we can turn the pressure to our advantage and transform our stress into deeper connection with our partner.
⚠️ When our greatest source of support becomes our greatest source of stress
Our loved ones are the easiest targets for working out our discomfort and pain. The people closest to us, after ourselves, take the heaviest blows of our psychological suffering. Whether we start criticising our partner under stress, lashing out, or simply withdrawing, the result is the same: on top of the difficult times themselves, we become an extra source of stress for one another. And that’s the last thing we need — the world outside is hard enough on its own.
💔 The crisis–love paradox
As social beings, we’re built to lean on our loved ones as a ‘safe haven’ — and never more so than in times of crisis. A loving relationship is therefore the most useful tool we have when life gets hard. We chose our partner as our ultimate emotional safe haven for the storms life can sometimes bring. But when that same partner sends us a signal that we are not entirely safe with them, our brain goes straight into alarm mode. Our greatest source of comfort becomes our greatest source of stress. Living with that contradictory signal is deeply stressful and unhealthy. No matter how emotionally intelligent or strong we may be, no one can really process this.
Our nervous system braces itself and screams that there’s danger. We respond by fighting (criticising, provoking …) or fleeing (retreating into our shell, avoiding the other, burying ourselves in tasks …) — anything to escape this perceived threat.
The more we fight and flee as a couple, the more distance and alienation take root in the relationship. This is the most toxic pattern a couple can fall into. The fight-and-flight cycle turns out to be the silent killer of relationships. If it goes on, the gap eventually becomes unbridgeable and the relationship falls apart.
🧠 The emotional super-brain as a way out
Our emotional reservoirs are simply being asked to absorb far too much at once — that’s the unchangeable reality. By making our relationship an absolute priority, we expand our capacity. To put it bluntly but clearly: several recent scientific studies confirm that the human brain is not built to regulate emotions on its own. Not in everyday life, and certainly not in times of crisis. Trying to face life’s hardships alone burns through a ridiculous amount of glucose, and at best yields meagre results and exhausted brains.
But when two brains, as it were, lock in well together, we can do what we’re actually made for: co-regulating emotions. Together with your partner, you create a kind of super-brain with far greater emotional resilience than either of you on your own. Facing ‘the dragon’ together is not only a hundred times more efficient — it instantly deepens and strengthens the relationship with your partner. And from that deep, strong relationship, you can connect even better, learn to handle crisis even better, and so on. A positive spiral, in which the two of you grow steadily stronger in the face of difficulty.
⚖️ Above water — or under?
The danger of the negative spiral is always lurking too. As a couple you can grow more and more alienated from one another, until co-regulating intense emotions is no longer possible. That makes times of crisis far heavier and more painful for each partner than they need to be. You can no longer face stress together and draw strength from one another. You feel your relationship sagging — as though it, too, has been wounded by the pressure — and you’re left feeling alone and frustrated.
Deep down, we all know something isn’t right. Deep down, we sense that our relationship could give us the support we so desperately need. Deep down, we realise that our partner was never meant to become an enemy we have to defend ourselves against. After all, we enter relationships to be stronger together. In the past, that was mainly financially and practically; today, it’s mainly emotionally.
In challenging times, relationships start to shift dramatically: usually they get either better or worse. The pressure from outside tests them severely. Few stay unchanged through a crisis.
Whether a relationship gets better or worse under pressure depends on how well you manage to stay out of fight-or-flight reactions, and whether you can stay close to one another — physically and emotionally.
💪 Take charge of your relationship again
Now is the perfect time to give love the priority it deserves. To bring your relationship back to life as never before.
Doing so doesn’t just give you the deep happiness of a strong bond — it also builds physical and psychological resilience against everything the world throws at you.
❤️ Is your relationship also struggling under stress?
Are you finding it hard to find support and security in each other again?
Then get in touch with us.
From couple to couple, we’d be glad to help you find love and strength together again.